I was in the hospital for four months in total, due to mental issues that i don’t want to talk too much about. I can share that I was rather desperate to find a solution to fit to my massive breakdown after high school in Norway, and I was suffering a major depression. After three years of hopelessness combined with good days of course and a barely pretty normal life with working and exercise, friends and family and trips to Scotland, Croatia and Spain, i figured, finally, there is not something wrong with me, I’m just awakening from a massive disorientation about life. I am coming together with my thoughts and collecting them to realise, I was always well, I just created my own problems by digging a ditch and lying into it. You are the master of your own life, and you can change it at any time, I learned. I just wanted to feel loved, appreciated and secure and important, as we all do. I was missing a piece in this puzzle of life. But recently, I’ve been thinking, what if we were free all along? What if we just had to go down the road of suffering to learn that this is not the path to go? What if suffering and pain is actually indicators telling us to take a look at our life and how we rule it, we are not meant to suffer, when we are in free flow in our life. Depression, boredom, anxiety, are all indicators of more deeper issues in our life, that brings us to this: which issue is bringing up these emotions in your life? Are you not going with your calling, your intuition, your dreams and your passions. Did you stop losing track of something along the way. I like to see life as a maze, and those who get out of this ma(ze)trix are the ones who dare follow their heart, their intuition and their gut. I’m here to tell you there is no such way as a quick fix to enlightenment, to cleverness, to braveness, to toughen up. There is a high way to hell, that’s for sure, but don’t take it, haha. So much more is waiting for you out there. Trust me, when I started eating more greens for example, I became more friends with my body, as strange as it seems and sounds, but I loved it. I developed a better intuition when it comes to food and what to eat and intuitively my health and my clarity of mind got better. When I started eating foods with more nutrient, plant based and natural, I felt more alive, logically, in any ways. I felt more strong, physically and mentally. I also became more interested in treating my body right, and I even got into therapies like different types of alternative methods of dealing with emotions. I’m not telling you to do all this to get better mentally, this is not what I’m saying, I’m just telling you what I have been through so that maybe you can learn from it and benefit from my journey to peace and love, internally and externally. I believe that when you change your habits from going in a downward spiral to an upwards one, this be small things like changing the scenery of your eyes for more than once a day, like going out in nature or being in the park by the office if you’re at work from time to time, to give your brain some actual feedback on what it’s like to be out in nature, or to give yourself a good treatment of a cup of tea and a good read in the morning, I don’t care what resonates with you. I just care that it does, at some point, give you any feedback on what it’s like to be in thinking about this stuff. Thinking about life makes me realise there’s so much more to it than growing a fortune and becoming famous or having a moustache that is perfectly cut, if you get what I’m saying?
I was literally exhausted from the lifestyle I had. I didn’t listen to my body, I was on high speed all the time, my mind was running crazy about the future and what I was going to do with my life as long as I just sat there and thought these emotions, all of them overwhelmed me. So, I realised, I had no answer to the question that started it all: “What really drives me?” I realised, in a silent moment, that I had no clue. Call it an existential crisis, or call it a breakdown, either way, I had a lot on my heart that I needed to get out, but I didn’t have a clue why or how. So I let it all out, I cried, I sobbed, I slept, hours upon hours, I cried a little bit (a lot) more and I kept going.
I never wanted to give up though. I love this quote: “I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me,” because it tells a lot about how I really “survived” my worst nightmare, my hospitalisation and my depression. I suffered from major nightmares that time, I had a lot of friends visiting me, but I couldn’t really connect with me because I wasn’t connected to my feelings. It was all overwhelming and chaos inside of me. And then, the solution was not to taper it down with medication, in my case, but to slowly release the pressure of every day life and struggle, haha, to become a more peaceful and meaningful lifestyle. I believe it’s not about being addicted to solutions, but rather to live them and present them in a good way that suits others and yourself. Be your own best friend. Get to know yourself, your body, your intuition, your emotions, heal yourself on all levels by feeding you, the main person in your life, good thoughts, good persons around you and good fuel. 🙂